In response to a question about the recent permissibility of casual sex between singles and our advice to our children, I had the following thoughts. Yours?

One part of this question is easy, and the other not so much.  As for my thoughts about sexual relationships between singles, I think it is largely a bad idea.  I do not, however, consider all unmarried people single.  While I don't see anything wrong with single-sex between consenting adults, I find it slightly alarming that sexual gratification and impulse would take precedent over finding a special person with whom to share one of the most intimate experiences possible.  The inability to postpone sex until finding a trustworthy companion doesn't speak well for character development, and may lead specifically to trust issues in later relationships.  In a culture of "now, now, now," I think it is important to maintain the control that mature adults will eventually be expected to command.  This kind of casual sex also seems to be highly correlated with irresponsibility that translates into multiple partners, unsafe sex, and other risky behavior.  When the stakes are high enough to include lifelong disease and an unwanted but innocent child, we owe it to everyone around us to be responsible above all else.  My complete thoughts on the subject are a little more complex.

I think that unmarried sex is largely a function of women's rights and their acceptance as equals in the control of their own choices.  It has long been accepted as normal for men to have several sexual relationships before marriage.  However, it was a different story for women.  The ability to choose when and with whom to have sex (or not) is empowering, and when considered responsibly can lead to much better life choices. 

I think we would all agree that sex is normal, and is typically an integral, natural, and necessary part of a healthy, romantic relationship.  The major reasons for not having sex before marriage seem to be derived from the economic consequences of broken relationships leading to single parenting, the higher likelihood of disease transmission, and the social stigma of irresponsibility.  Each of these rationales are limited, today.

In general, women are more capable as wage earners than when my parents were young.  Also, courts are more willing (although in some cases not more able) to prosecute fathers who refuse to help support their children financially.  More significantly, waiting until after marriage to have sex does NOT guarantee a healthy, stable relationship.  The divorce rate in our country is higher than it has ever been, and a relationships break both before marriages, and after them.  Regardless, birth control technology has become quite reliable, and even though we all hear stories of unwanted pregnancies, many of them are probably because of inconsistent and improper use of birth control.

As for disease transmission, technology has again done its part to make us all more educated about not only the types of diseases we might expect from being unsafe and promiscuous, but how to lessen our chances of contracting them and even offering pre-sex std screening.

The social stigmas of irresponsibility and poor decision-making skills are slowly fading as more and more young women prove through other choices, like education, community involvement, and career achievement that they are indeed thoughtful, caring, and responsible young people.  As noted, it is also becoming more and more acceptable, in large part because of the above reasoning, for partners to have unmarried sex.

We have a teenage daughter of our own, and will have three more teenagers in a little over ten years.  Our advice to the oldest?  Be careful, make only the sexual choices you want to make, be careful, know the difference between intercourse and alternate sexual gratification, be careful, consider the person as well as the time and place, and BE CAREFUL!